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there are times

when

i don’t want to be

the me that is me

no

i’m not saying 

i wish to end myself

or to become 

someone, anyone, 

anyone else

no

no

no

i’m NOT saying 

i want to slip away from the world 

we must dwell

but 

i am declaring

all is not well.

“why? how can you say

you’re anything but swell?

don’t you have 

so much coming and going 

and doing and growing? 

haven’t you recovered 

from all that restricting and hurting 

and hopelessly, boundlessly

over-exerting?”

“true. true. true and true,”

i reply, 

ready to cry.

“….indeed, for this 

and these… 

we are grateful.

and 

our gratitude extends 

beyond these and so much else.”

this is true.

but 

the darkness that dims 

so often my light

that darkness that follows 

each ascent of my works 

and simultaneously commences 

each and every 

inner tussle and fuss

piercing consistently 

the brightest of lights 

with fears so dear and fights so strong

am i right?

am i?

i hope i am wrong
because 

i’m exhausted

and pained

sometimes i think

i am the only one i can blame

“no.

no.

no.
breathe.

breathe.

breathe.

it’s okay to unload

it’s okay to explode

most of all, 

it’s fine.

it’s fine

to acknowledge

the knowledge

that hurts

as much

as the knowledge
the knowings

the understandings that heal

life is a process, as much as a journey.

explore, if you must

your yearnings and churnings

your burning desires

your struggles and tussles

your furies and fires

but, 

but, 

but please

remember this… please

…you are you 

because you choose 

to be 

as you need…

just be…

as you must

and 

please… breathe…

just…

breathe…”

yes.

there are times to be strong.

there are times to stand down.

there are times to listen quite closely….

“yes, this is true.

breathe 

breathe

breathe through it

just be…

…true,”

i endure.

“yes…

even when blue

there are times

when

you know

it’s okay to be

…you

no more, no less

than the blue

that feels like you

the blue that feels

so true…”

yes… that blue…

pure and cool

icy cold….

or… super, super, super hot

calming

curing

like midnight

so….. alluring

a blue so cerulean

an elegant sapphire

a love

a desire, so…

indigo deep

or as bright as the sky

sparkling clear

confident

maybe aquamarine

indeed.

i shall own it.

my blue is beautiful

defiant

there are times

to be strong

to own the blue

the seemingly true

that is

me

okay

now

i see

 

 

 

© 2021 by ariana sexton-hughes, all rights reserved

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