there are times
when
i don’t want to be
the me that is me
no
i’m not saying
i wish to end myself
or to become
someone, anyone,
anyone else
no
no
no
i’m NOT saying
i want to slip away from the world
we must dwell
but
i am declaring
all is not well.
“why? how can you say
you’re anything but swell?
don’t you have
so much coming and going
and doing and growing?
haven’t you recovered
from all that restricting and hurting
and hopelessly, boundlessly
over-exerting?”
“true. true. true and true,”
i reply,
ready to cry.
“….indeed, for this
and these…
we are grateful.
and
our gratitude extends
beyond these and so much else.”
this is true.
but
the darkness that dims
so often my light
that darkness that follows
each ascent of my works
and simultaneously commences
each and every
inner tussle and fuss
piercing consistently
the brightest of lights
with fears so dear and fights so strong
am i right?
am i?
i hope i am wrong
because
i’m exhausted
and pained
sometimes i think
i am the only one i can blame
“no.
no.
no.
breathe.breathe.
breathe.
it’s okay to unload
it’s okay to explode
most of all,
it’s fine.
it’s fine
to acknowledge
the knowledge
that hurts
as much
as the knowledge
the knowingsthe understandings that heal
life is a process, as much as a journey.
explore, if you must
your yearnings and churnings
your burning desires
your struggles and tussles
your furies and fires
but,
but,
but please
remember this… please
…you are you
because you choose
to be
as you need…
just be…
as you must
and
please… breathe…
just…
breathe…”
yes.
there are times to be strong.
there are times to stand down.
there are times to listen quite closely….
“yes, this is true.
breathe
breathe
breathe through it
just be…
…true,”
i endure.
“yes…
even when blue
there are times
when
you know
it’s okay to be
…you
no more, no less
than the blue
that feels like you
the blue that feels
so true…”
yes… that blue…
pure and cool
icy cold….
or… super, super, super hot
calming
curing
like midnight
so….. alluring
a blue so cerulean
an elegant sapphire
a love
a desire, so…
indigo deep
or as bright as the sky
sparkling clear
confident
maybe aquamarine
indeed.
i shall own it.
my blue is beautiful
defiant
there are times
to be strong
to own the blue
the seemingly true
that is
me
okay
now
i see
© 2021 by ariana sexton-hughes, all rights reserved