the ghost ship
for Aldiana, who was there. for my friends, who understand.
“Breathe,” she said.
“breathe?”
i try.
“Breathe…”
a breath.
“Breathe…”
a breath.
i
feel…
dizzy
so dizzy
so dizzy
dizzy
dizzy
my head
spinning
spinning
spinning
drifting
drifting
drifting
to
that
other
…place
…that
other…
…time
so
…so
…so long ago
yet…
…always
…always
always
a moment
…always
a moment
away
“breathe.”
i can’t think
i can’t feel
i can’t
“breathe”
“Breathe….”
she demands
but
…her
…words
her words
can’t stop
the sights
the sounds
the feel
the fear
the
…spinning
ground
such intensity
screaming
dreaming
…the bleeding
sweat
…the scent
…the
stench…
each pain
coursing through
my brain
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“Hon, are you there?” she demands.
“Hey, I’m here. Oh, Hon,” she insists.
“sorry. dizzy. drifting. lost,” i explain.
“Breathe…”
…i like to think
she has no idea.
…i like to think
she has no clue.
i …like to think
i like
i
i….
…i…
i’m lost
i drift
“Breathe.”
“Hug?”
she calls out
my name.
“there?”
cybersilence.
“…yes,” i respond.
“sorry….
…i’ll be okay”(i’m not)
“You sure?” she asks.
“Dizzy….?”(more than she imagines)
…dizzy…
…dizzy…
…dizzy…
i drift further out to sea
….i have no sextant for this journey
i have no provisions
i have no first mate
…no galley slaves
…no…
i have… no one…
…no…one..
…and the storm(s) continue to gather
…and gather
…and gather
…enveloped by darkness
…as…
…the waves
toss my vessel
fore and aft
…for… and… aft
…port… and… starboard…
…port …and starboard
yes…
mine is the ghost ship
alone…
on
my sea
…my ocean
…my oceans..
…of… pain
…and shame…
to my friends:
this is so important
in these moments
i know
you are there
i know
you care
…i just… can’t…
…find you…
through the darkness…
…i can’t find you
…through the fog
true
in these moments
i
am
utterly
alone
with him
or her
or him
or her
or it
or then…
in these moments
my ghost ship is
grazing
the icebergs
of a past
that lives on
…a past that haunts
our present
“breathe,” i tell myself.
“Wake up!” i say unconsciously.
i might cry
i might scream
i might even dream
(that the nightmare of these moments will stop)
and…
…slowly… the fog…
… the horrid darkness lifts
a light seeps in…
the pictures
the sounds
the feelings
the feel
the fear
the intensity
…the screaming
the dreaming
the bleeding
the sweat
the scents
the… deepest
…darkness
falls from me
into the icy waters
…but
the pains
remain
…reminders…
…reminders…
…reminders
that the
remainder
the remainder
is still
so close
….so close
…so close to sinking
the ghost ship
where
i
remain
i’m
afraid
yet
once again…
…once gain
you hold me
still and strong
so stil
and strong…
…the ghost ship
sails along…
thank you
“breathe…”
the ghost ship
monday, january 5, 2009 at 2:37am
c 2009-2022 by ariana sexton-hughes, all rights reserved