ariana sexton-hughes

wednesday, august 5, 2009 at 10:44pm 

i live in pain

alone

afraid

i live in shame

alone

afraid

i live in blame

alone

afraid

i live insane

alone

afraid

i live contained

alone

afraid

insane

(“breathe?”)

i ask

(“breathe.”)

i say

(“breathe.”)

i cry

(“breathe!”)

i scream

my friend is sick

and

nothing matters

my work

is empty

my heart

is heavy

my soul

is cracking

(under

the strain

of an ugly

selfish

feeling

that

i no longer

deserve

the right

the right

to feel

my pain)

selfish?

yes

“yes.”

seriously,

how

can

i

allow

my

self

to feel anything

anything at all

positive

negative

angry

unwanted

unloved

unfortunate

misdirected

ill-conceived

happy

sexy

hopeful

joyful

playful

faithful

freaky

flirty

friendly

flowery

festive

restive

empowered

entranced

glorious

glamorous

gregarious

gracious

grandiose

glimmery

shimmery

shameless

blameless

bankable

breathless

feckless

fabulous

or even

f*cked

when

my friend

feels

so much

fear

so much

discomfort

so much

distress

so much

sadness

so much

agony

so much

PAIN?

why?

how?

why?

i must be strong

i must be selfless

i must nurture

i must stay that much stronger

i must not waste

a single drop

of life

a single point

in time

because…

to waste anything

a word

a breath

a (hug)

a (kiss)

a dance

a dream

a page

a pixel

anything

a moment

a feeling

would be so

super

super

super

selfish

such

a

superwaste

but,

i know that this

is not

what

she

would

want

“no.”

she would beg me

plead to me

cajole me

convince me

cry to me

    “please. live.

    be strong. be superstrong.

    but.

    don’t negate

    who

    you are.

    don’t pretend that you are

    nothing,

    just because my pain

    might spread.

    no.

    you are more than that.

    you will hurt,

    because

    you are hurt.

    you will scream,

    because

    you’ve been

    hurt.

    you will cry,

    as your pain

    is so very real.

    and.

    just because

    i live in fear,

    you don’t have to live in

    shame.

    don’t deny

    who you are

    what you are

    how you feel

    why you dream

    why you dance

    please?

    for real?”

i should take her words

and

i caress them

i should cry

then

address them.

i must

realize————–

her pain

however great,

is not my pain,

however small.

but,

my pain

is no less real

and no less consequential.

BUT,

regardless of my pain,

i must,

as best as i can muster,

as best as i can be,

i must

be there for her,

while i try so hard

to be there

for

me.

to do otherwise, would be worse than selfish.

it would simply cause more pain.

© 2009-2023 by ariana sexton-hughes, all rights reserved

Skip to content