wednesday, august 5, 2009 at 10:44pm
i live in pain
alone
afraid
i live in shame
alone
afraid
i live in blame
alone
afraid
i live insane
alone
afraid
i live contained
alone
afraid
insane
(“breathe?”)
i ask
(“breathe.”)
i say
(“breathe.”)
i cry
(“breathe!”)
i scream
my friend is sick
and
nothing matters
my work
is empty
my heart
is heavy
my soul
is cracking
(under
the strain
of an ugly
selfish
feeling
that
i no longer
deserve
the right
the right
to feel
my pain)
selfish?
yes
“yes.”
seriously,
how
can
i
allow
my
self
to feel anything
anything at all
positive
negative
angry
unwanted
unloved
unfortunate
misdirected
ill-conceived
happy
sexy
hopeful
joyful
playful
faithful
freaky
flirty
friendly
flowery
festive
restive
empowered
entranced
glorious
glamorous
gregarious
gracious
grandiose
glimmery
shimmery
shameless
blameless
bankable
breathless
feckless
fabulous
or even
f*cked
when
my friend
feels
so much
fear
so much
discomfort
so much
distress
so much
sadness
so much
agony
so much
PAIN?
why?
how?
why?
i must be strong
i must be selfless
i must nurture
i must stay that much stronger
i must not waste
a single drop
of life
a single point
in time
because…
to waste anything
a word
a breath
a (hug)
a (kiss)
a dance
a dream
a page
a pixel
anything
a moment
a feeling
would be so
super
super
super
selfish
such
a
superwaste
but,
i know that this
is not
what
she
would
want
“no.”
she would beg me
plead to me
cajole me
convince me
cry to me
“please. live.
be strong. be superstrong.
but.
don’t negate
who
you are.
don’t pretend that you are
nothing,
just because my pain
might spread.
no.
you are more than that.
you will hurt,
because
you are hurt.
you will scream,
because
you’ve been
hurt.
you will cry,
as your pain
is so very real.
and.
just because
i live in fear,
you don’t have to live in
shame.
don’t deny
who you are
what you are
how you feel
why you dream
why you dance
please?
for real?”
i should take her words
and
i caress them
i should cry
then
address them.
i must
realize————–
her pain
however great,
is not my pain,
however small.
but,
my pain
is no less real
and no less consequential.
BUT,
regardless of my pain,
i must,
as best as i can muster,
as best as i can be,
i must
be there for her,
while i try so hard
to be there
for
me.
to do otherwise, would be worse than selfish.
it would simply cause more pain.
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