june 30, 2012 at 5:14am
would you love me
if i smelled?
would you love me
if i starved?
would you love me
if i picked and plucked and cut and hurt myself
until
i could bleed and squirm and cry no more?
would you?
could you?
come on!
i beg of you
i beseech you
i lock my always teary
ever-bleary
clearly weary
migraine-wounded
eyes at you
don’t sugar coat it
don’t wiggle or worm or squirm your ever-so-beautiful mind away from that divine light of that all-too-painful truth
PLEASE!
“come on,” i scream.
“don’t sweetalk to me.”
i implore you
would you?
could you?
will you?
please
please just tell me
level with me
please?
please!
i want the truth
the whole truth
the absolute truth
and nothing but
i mean
NOTHING BUT
the truth!
“yes? no?”
please
i am begging you
from the very bottom
from the deepest, darkest depths of my always aching heart
those bottomless craters
no….
caverns
of my all-too-often grieving,
forever sinking,
ever unblinking,
infinitely unseemly,
supershredded
supershattered
soul
would you love me
if i convulsed
every time you reached out
in a truly sincere attempt
at comfort and affection?
would you love me
if i cried
each and every time
you tried
to hold me?
to console me?
to cajole me?
would you?
could you?
will you?
for real?
seriously.
i need
to know.
or else
with total desperation,
i’ll call out.
i will f*cking scream!
in point of fact,
you know i will
and it will be
a
screech
a
shriek
an uncontrollably bombastic
shout
louder than i siren
at
6:15 a.m.
louder than
a jet
flying
over
head
seriously.
i plead with you.
do tell.
please?
would you love me
if i never said “i love you,” even when you knew my adoration was unending,
undying,
and much, much more
than enormous?
would you?
could you?
huh?
again, i need to know.
i have to know.
i am begging you.
would you love me
if i forgot
your most cherished little secrets
amongst my relentless,
overwhelming,
always so uncomfortably unending
days and months and years
of ever-so-nihilistic anger,
self-hate,
and deepest, darkest, depression?
would you?
could you?
will you?
please?
come on!
tell me.
would you love me
if my only real talent
was a dying, underpaid,
underappreciated, rarely celebrated,
some might say, “stupid” or “silly,”
semi-demi-art?
would you? could you?
why on earth should you ever put up with all that?
“why?” i wonder.
“why?”
in all of my honesty,
i don’t
i simply
do not understand
how and why
you so powerfully,
so graciously,
so unselfishly,
give me
so much incredibly, indelibly, amazingly
unconditional
love
but, you do.
and for that, i am forever grateful.
you have my utter admiration
my complete adoration
and my utterly broken,
my barely functional dedication.
most of all,
you have my boundless appreciation,
and
my ever-growing
ever-expanding
ever-perplexing
love
yes.
“love.”
© 2012 by ariana sexton-hughes