May 31, 2015 8:29 p.m.
it took me many months to write this poem…
it kind of came to me in a flash, but i couldn’t finish it.
it’s not explicit in any way.
it’s about dissociation and not being able to “remember” far too many moments from a past that never ceases to infect my present.
i struggle. but, i learn more every day.
i AM a “survivor.”
i am healing. slowly.
i haven’t been restricting for almost three years. but, i struggle. i hide. i hide from my feelings. i hide from myself.
and, i have a very hard time hiding from my pain, especially the physical pain, which is part genetic, part ballet abuse, and part “what happened.”
this poem is NOT about “what happened.”
it’s about my struggle with “remembering.” it took years and years to remember as much as i know now. but, in “remembering,” and focusing on healing, i am slowing letting go.
i refuse to allow the “pain” ruin who i am. i refuse to allow the pain to rule every moment of every day.
it was freeing to write this. i feel better for this moment.
I am only “WARNING” that this “might” be triggering to ab*se survivors because some of my experience is “implied.”
it is our struggle to remember, to let go. day by day, i am learning to heal by knowing that it was NEVER “my” fault.
and that my “experiences” are not “me” at all… they are only experiences. my essence is much, much more. i am stronger in writing… to heal….. indeed, we have a RIGHT to heal.
i don’t remember
(anything)
………..(everything)
………..no
i don’t
i don’t remember
………..”everything”
not “everything”
………..no.
i
don’t.
it comes to me
in bits
and pieces
little bitty
zeroes and ones
bytes
and pieces
itty bitty, bitty
bits
and
teeny, tiny, whittle pieces
………..yes
this is all i recollect
these itsy-bitsy,
teeny-tiny,
bitty, bitty,
broken
little
shards
………..yes.
those oh, so shiny
shimmering
glimmering
glistening
sparkles…
NO.
“sparks.”
painfully stark
sparks
agonizingly sharp
blindingly frightening
flashes of light
slashing diabolically
painfully piercing
sparks
desecrating
these once beautiful dreams
until
they’re denuded
transformed
from delights to delusions
finally
devolving
from delicious
to darkness
and
the very deepest,
most desperate
most distressing
of
despairs
yes
it’s so true, true, true
i don’t remember everything
i don’t
no.
not everything
no.
i don’t remember much at all
no. no. no.
whatever is there
lays
low
lurking
ever so occluded
so shrouded
cloaked ever so cleverly
slicing so subversively
through
so many, many, many
little moments
seditiously stealing
so many, many merry dreams
……….yes
so many, many, many dreams
desires
ambitions
obliterated
not at once
but
in ten thousand cuts
pounds of flesh and bone
slashed
away
…..gashed
…..beyond recognition
hacked,
hewn
and cut
…..slit
not so serenely
no.
……….sliced
……….diced
…..and carved
ever so deeply
……….in a flash
life
love
and peace
cut away
….from me
not even so cleanly
no. no. no.
so many dreams
and ambitions
so many loves
desires
and
designs
slit open
stolen from
……….my being
my me
the me that once was
the me that i’ve lost
the me
forgone
and
forlorn
screaming
“i don’t remember”
“nothing?”
“not everything”
“no.”
“i don’t remember.”
“not that.”
“not everything.”
breathing.
ears
ringing
throbbing
throughout
whispering…
…..”no.”
as
waves upon waves upon waves
of silence
keep crashing about
……….”violence?”
“always.”
“violence.”
yes.
violence
…..not
violins
just
…..violence
…..crashing
…..crashing
…..crashing
……….screeching
viciously
careening
savagely
slashing
stealing my serenity
slicing ever so sadistically
into
what were once
such beautiful dreams
of light and love and hope
“yes.”
“hope.”
all hope
now
gone
all hope
gone
all hope
evaporating
ending
unwinding
breathlessly abandoning
…..me
…..and
…..my world
leaving
nothing but nightmares
nothing but pain
“breathe.”
“NO.”
“NO.”
“NO.”
i don’t remember
everything
not
“everything”
no….
only
waking
wakening
yes
almost
always
“awakening”
to
screams
never
dreams
sometimes nightmares
no
(“a lie?”)
almost always
nightmares
NO. NO. NO. NO.
always
nightmares
……yes.
……yes.
……yes.
no.
“i don’t remember”
not everything
…..not enough
…..it seems
…..not enough
…..like dreams
no. no. no.
…..not dreaming
no.
…..just
……….awakening
…..always
…..always
…..always
…..awakening
to dreams
churned from sweet into sour
dreams
devoured…..
“no.”
i don’t remember
…..(not everything)
it seems…..
no. no. no.
i don’t
…..remember
so…..
the question is:
“would i want to,
if i did?”
“can’t you see?”
….what (you) did?
it’s a wonder
i am me
but
i am
“me”
i am more
than i have learned to endure
i am more
than i recall
i remember, now
i remember… everything
and
i refuse
to let any of it
be
“all”
©2015 by ariana sexton-hughes, all rights reserved