Test
you didn’t know
(what if) the pain went away?
what i let them steal (from me)
writing through pain
june 8, 2009 – 6:27 am
you didn't know
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WARNING: This poem may be triggering if you have issues with men, abuse, and/or family.
you didn’t knowwhat i feltwhen that moment passed awayyou didn’t knowwhat i feltwhen you kissedthat last lonely tearthe one that went astray
you didn’t knowwhat i feltwhen you lingeredjusta littletoo longwhen yourfingerscame
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and, what if…what if,the pain went way?for more than a moment?for more than a day?really.what if,the pain went away?completely,in total,…purged from my being?
would i dance?would i fly?would i write ‘til i cry?would i hold a friend close?would i do more than boast?would i flirt with another?would i cuddle?or, purrrrr?would i… perhaps… take a lover?or…even… another?
or…would
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wednesday, august 5, 2009 at 10:44pm
i live in pain
alone
afraid
i live in shame
alone
afraid
i live in blame
alone
afraid
i live insane
alone
afraid
i live contained
alone
afraid
insane
(“breathe?”)
i ask
(“breathe.”)
i say
(“breathe.”)
i cry
(“breathe!”)
i scream
my friend is sick
and
nothing matters
my work
is empty
my heart
is heavy
my soul
is cracking
(under
the strain
of an ugly
selfish
feeling
that
i no longer
deserve
the right
the right
to feel
my pain)
selfish?
yes
“yes.”
seriously,
how
can
i
allow
my
self
to feel anything
anything at all
positive
negative
angry
unwanted
unloved
unfortunate
misdirected
ill-conceived
happy
sexy
hopeful
joyful
playful
faithful
freaky
flirty
friendly
flowery
festive
restive
empowered
entranced
glorious
glamorous
gregarious
gracious
grandiose
glimmery
shimmery
shameless
blameless
bankable
breathless
feckless
fabulous
or even
f*cked
when
my friend
feels
so much
fear
so much
discomfort
so much
distress
so much
sadness
so much
agony
so much
PAIN?
why?
how?
why?
i must
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what i let them steal (from me)
wednesday, december 24, 2008 at 3:45am
to my diary (on facebook)
someone asked:
“when did you and 'ana' first hook-up?”
i paused.
(chest tightened)
breathe.
i thought about childhood
(inhaler)
the illusion of control
the vain attempts to break my mother (an ana out of control)
i drifted.
flashbacks.
breathe.
moments.
moments long ago.
was it ballet?
was it me?
was it mom?
was it he?
the him that
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